The past

Therapy always eventually leads to one's past.

I always thought that my doubt and self hatred started when I went off to college.

The more I slowly unpack my own past, the more I realize it didn't. Even in high school, I didn't agree with my "friends" actions most of the time, there were moments, but fleeting at best. I did what I thought was wanted of me, how I was raised - and there's nothing wrong with that.

But I hid myself, for most of my life, I was - and still am - so afraid of letting anyone see me.

And that fear bring me immense crushing shame. I should be stronger, I should think more of myself, I should want to strive for my own happiness, I should want more.

But I don't... I allow fear to paralyze me, and still do.

And Everytime it does, I feel so ashamed, and convince myself I don't deserve good things. I convince myself I deserve the shame, the shame of just ....  Being me.

It's hard sometimes, like this moment... I know it will pass, I know it may last an hour or a day, but when it does it also leaves the knowledge it will return.

Not a matter of if

Only a matter of when

And the dread of knowing that is a terrible burden for anyone. I've carried it for 25+ years, I only now am realizing the damage it has caused. 

Like a person working construction for 25 years... Their body breaks down, slowly, but you notice.

I fear my psyche is doing the same.... Slipping.

And while I hate myself, I also don't want to lose myself... Not yet.

I dunno.... Rambling over for now I guess