Depression is so hard! No one can talk about it without being judged. Without being accused of attention seeking. Without being labeled as weak or a miserable person. You can’t say I’m still holding on but want to give up. Or that I’m exhausted from constantly fighting. You can’t say how YOU REALLY FEEL without people jumping right to ”she’s close to ending it. She’s a mess. She needs to be hospitalized etc etc.” I am capable of fighting obviously because I have been. I can witness my negative thoughts but I’m just so sick of having them altogether. I feel like no one understands. If I could make it all stop I would. I have tried everything. I am constantly in information overload from researching how to help myself. What can be done to better my situation. I just feel like I can’t fight anymore. Does that make me weak and miserable?

Life is a series of traumas. Whether we’re aware of it or not. Whether it causes dysfunction or not, it exists and can’t just be wished away. I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on the possible traumas I’ve inflicted on my kids in the past. And I’ve been so afraid that the trauma that came from me may bleed into their adult lives. I now recognize my own behaviors as a parent, as a mom and knowing my own struggle has helped me forgive my own parents, in particular....my own mother. But then I realized there’s no way to ensure as a parent or even as a human that you’ll never inflict trauma on someone. So I’ve come to the rationalization that it’s about the degree of trauma and the issues that just grow because you never became aware and you never evolved, that's the only type of trauma I should fear. I only wish to ever be fully accountable to myself and do my best, because that’s all anyone can do. Beating myself up for my struggles will not help me be the best mom I can be.

How do you get over someone who doesn’t love you back? Today I drove past their street. Not the one they live on. But the same exit Id always get off to see them. I felt that shit deeply. Yet I still smiled reminiscing over pleasant memories. I could never hate them. I just felt so incredibly stupid begging for them to love me.

You don't know how strong you areThe power that you haveYou cover up your beautiful And live inside your headI will try to show youYour own lightYou're part of all that glitters in the night Like the brightest star in the skyAnd the most radiant moon of moonsYour beauty can never dieIt is timeless EffortlessPhenomenal in every way It not only sparklesBut it burns every dayInstilling all that is unique and rareInto the hearts of all those that dareThat dare to know your storyAnd to absorb all your gloryBecause your beauty is radiant And just like the moon,Your beauty can not be hidden-Andra

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