No, you dirty minded person, not that one.
The terrifying one!
DIVORCE!
Finally had a talk with N.
She tried her best to get a rise out of me, but I withheld... A fact I am honestly proud of.
I could have Segway 'd into like 8 other arguments, but I did not.
Things said, or implied....
She wants to be around Eve more, but I am always around
I trapped her into relying on me
I trapped her by signing Eve up for school
It's all me, she hates coming home because I am always there.
So... I said if my presence is hindering your relationship with our daughter, I will get divorce stuff moving immediately.
Now... She wants me to find her an apartment... Because somehow in her mind the fact that I grew up 40min from our house means I must know everyone and can snap my fingers and make an apartment appear!!!
And ofc, she expects me to pay for it...
I heard a song that spoke to me... A band I listened to a lot in college... Papa Roach - Leave a light on
I did that for N, for many years now... A million miles apart, just within my reach. I left a light on, I gave her a way out, I held a door open... However you want to phrase it, same meaning
I left my heart, and thus my mind, open to her.... For her.
She rejected it, and me, at every turn... Ground me to dust... Let me be blown away in the wind to regather miles away and walk my dumb ass back to her for it to happen all over.
I'm done being in a grinder.
I may not be at a point where I am ready to put *me* first.
But I am at a point where I need to, and am ready to, put Eve first. And I now recognize to do that, she needs the best version of me.... Which she will never get with me being hitched to N.
I genuinely pray for N daily, and I hope we can come to a place of mutual respect eventually.
Until then, I've come to realize.
It's time to turn off the light.
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