Slightly less than 48 hrs later, she returns!
Bringing food nobody will eat except her, how thoughtful!
I'm not surprised anymore, my mind immediately goes to "well it doesn't matter, let her be" because.... I don't matter.
My opinions, thoughts, interests, self-care, everything I am now is such a shell of who I used to be.. I don't matter.
I found a bunch of old texts between myself and N. The tone I used, the confidence, the attitude... I truly was different.. better then. Now? No... Not better.... I don't matter. (And it shows)
I used to drink to escape, then I had a job with huge drinking culture, so I drank to fit in. Then, I drank as a way to waste away knowing that if my body failed me.. then my insurance would take care of those I love... In my mind they'd be better off. I do not matter.
I find a lot of solace in music, one artist recently speaks to me so loudly it's deafening. Check out the artist Dax, his remix of "to be a man" puts the struggle in such a strong message.
His song Narcissist also hits hard for my personal life.
I just want direction... Every single time I think I've found it, the ground opens up and swallows me, plunging me back into the darkness of my mind.
Know the old looney tubes cartoons that depict an angel and a devil on opposite shoulders of the character? When it gets dark, it's like that, with 2 devils, both trying to one up the other.
I don't matter becomes -> why try at all? -> nobody wants you around -> everyone hates you anyway -> you're not good enough to bother them -> don't even try
And in the end it goes full circle ..... I don't matter.
Exhausting barely begins to describe it... The amount of internal energy I spend daily to fight all this... Comes at a price. Like the song mentioned above says "self-care - yeah I had to let it go"
A friend of mine put it well.... Survival mode... Only it's not a robber in my home, or a mission impossible movie
It's truly all in my head, which in some ways is even more terrifying!
And at end of the day, as my head hits the pillow and I close my eyes to find some inner peace and bring sleep... One resounding thought echos - I just don't matter, to anyone, but worst... To myself
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