Day one

I'm not sure what the purpose of all this is.

I only know I often feel lost, and it happens at random (seemingly).

When it does, it's like the feeling one gets going down a rollercoaster, that moment where your stomach gets all fluttery... It's like my signal of "hold on" rough waters ahead.

Anyway... Right now... I'm alone, with my daughter. We will call her Eve. Eve is 6, and a level 3 autistic. Mostly non-verbal, but also very smart and shows flashes of speaking, she understands just fine for most part.

My "wife", we will call N. N has decided it's cool, at 40, to leave every Friday and not return home until some point Sunday... Usually only to lock herself in her room to "rest" because her time away with her boyfriend and friends is exhausting 

I don't know she has a boyfriend, I just assume. Suddenly using Lumi, buying Lingerie, gone for hours at a time and weekends at a time.. it fits. Frankly, in this.... N has defeated me.

My belief is that almost all depression stems from a singular core belief that fuels all the other negative thoughts. A tree of negativity, if you would, with the trunk being this core.

My core is I do not matter

I have allowed this belief to embed itself into every single aspect of my life, in one way or another.

All my depressive thoughts, all my bottled negativity, boils down to this thought. I'm simply not good enough, and thanks to N, I believe to my core I never will be.

I am not blaming N, though it sounds like this, she is more of an enabler in this regard, the one who knowing or otherwise fans the flames of my own internal darkness.

Welcome to my world, to my mind