Today... Wasn't so bad.
Is it good to think a day without having to make conscious effort to suppress my thoughts is a good thing?
I still have the feeling.... The anticipation... What will trigger it? When will it happen?
It changes your actions subconsciously... More guarded, sure. But just more cautious in everything you do.. I'm not complaining, it's far far better than the alternative.
It does make me wonder.... What is it like for a normal person? Someone without a chemical imbalance in their brain that manifests as self loathing and unbearable doubt.. and don't get me started on the guilt factor!!
For me... Happy is simply not depressed. Actual happiness? It's truly been years... I honestly don't remember the last time. I've frankly given up on it. I do know, buried deep deep deep inside there's a proverbial box, locked right and chained in place. Inside that box is the hope.... That someday, maybe, I'll be good enough to be actually happy again.
Until that time comes, I will simply be content with being not-moserable.
Baby-steps, right?
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