Maybe now is the time to allow myself things again.
N has officially moved out.... still present, but in a much different way. She interacts with Eve like she would a niece, here for 45min, then off for 18 hours or whatever... it breaks my heart, but I also know I cannot control that. I do anything (and everything) I can for Eve and place her first before ALL else, and will continue to do so and just hope it's enough!
As for allowing...
Maybe it's time to allow myself to consider me for a change
Time to allow myself to maybe consider the idea of being happy again.
Time to allow myself to feel something again.
To say I have walls up is an understatement, I have no idea if they will ever come down in totality.
I DO know that I am starting to believe in myself a tiny tiny bit again, it's so foreign... it's almost exciting. Like a child walking into legoland for the first time, or Disney World. It's a good thing, I am sure, just... unsure how to handle it, how to nurture it, how to help it grow. I have spent SO long convincing myself that I didn't deserve such thoughts or feelings, pushing them deep deep down inside, never allowing myself to even consider them an option.
Maybe it's time..... to find myself again, so I shall start with this... Hello... I am JT, the writer behind this nonsensical rambling. I am trying very very hard to grasp the thin streaks of light that are finally penetrating my deep dark existence. Wish me luck, that maybe someday I can again walk into the light and feel.
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