Wow
She unloaded today! All caps in an email
I ruined HER life, I forced HER to move out, I never give HER privacy... On and on.
First and foremost... You're the mother to a special needs, non-verbal, 6 year old... There is no privacy, no weekend long breaks... Sorry, dems the breaks, deal.
As for ruining her life, I believe she truly believes that. I've told her before I hope she realizes eventually how sorry I am I somehow became the bane of her existence! I truly never wanted to do that, or be that!
I've never been one to throw her faults in her face, like she does so freely to me. Maybe it's an antiquated sense of honor, or "man pride", I honestly don't know, just not me... You want to get heated and insult me... That's your choice!
She interprets my calmness, my non-reaction to her baiting as me thinking everything is fine... Could not be further from the truth... But again, she's entitled to her opinion... Just as I am entitled to mine that I believe she is completely wrong.
I do want good for her
I do want her to be happy
I want, above all else her to be a mom to Eve... But that has to be N's choice, it's not something that can be forced unfortunately.
So, I will accept my role... A song from Dax says it so so well... "He's the rock that she needs, but she hammers away
At the love that he has like she wants it to break"
Well.... The rock cracked, then she drove a wedge in the crack and kept on hammering.. now it's broken, but still strong enough to lean on... So cannot have that, sledge hammer to the pieces, make sure they good and broken... Dust... All that remains now
Feel like I could blow away in the wind, I look back and convo 's with N from 10 years ago... Words like "you were always the plan" and "I want to come take care of you" or "I am getting myself together" and I did what she needed... I invited her back, her in, opened up, and... Slowly the hammering started.
So... Here I am... Dust... But she better watch that hammering that keeps coming even now. Dust... Can form coal under pressure. Coal under extreme pressure for a long time becomes? A diamond.
I'm not there yet, but I've become coal, and the layers are compressing, hardening me.
Until the diamond is ready, I'll keep absorbing the blows, until I can emerge again, the phoenix colored butterfly with diamond wings.
That'll be me.... Just call me the destroyer
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